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作文点评:WomenintheModernWorld

   日期:2015-05-04 15:33  来源:未知
例1. (2分段)
Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Long age, women only did something in the kitchen or at home. Now many of them have serious jobs to serve for people. What men can do so can women.
With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. Today in the family, the wife often lots her husband to do something at home bat ago, only women did something. Men are foned of doing something at home.
In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened. In the factory the wonmen to as much as the men, but they are paid less than the men. Some people have not completely realized the liberation of women.

点评:条理不清,思路紊乱,大部分句子均有错误,有的甚至影响理解。
具体问题剖析:(1)缺乏逻辑,东一句西一句,没有围绕中心论述,如第一段就没有展开论述妇女社会角色的转变,说得太笼统而缺乏说服力。
(2)用汉语思维,句子有明显的汉语痕迹,如“What men can do so can women.”,应改为“Women can do what men can do”。
(3)衔接不自然,没有用适当的关联词,如“Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened”,应改为“The case that husband hits his wife often happens. ”
(4)拼写错误很多,大部分句子均有错误。

例2.(5分段 )
Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In today, many women have a work. They worked as well as men playing an important part in factories. There are many women in government also. They lead other people country, and make out plans. There are many scientist also. They event new things to improve our life.
With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In ancient, women’s position in family is pity. They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do. But now it is changed. They are equal to her husband. They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.
In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women’ likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I’m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.

点评:基本切题。但表达思想不清楚,连贯性差。有较多的严重语言错误。
具体问题剖析:(1)各段围绕中心句论述不深入,没有说服力。
(2)衔接不自然,没有用适当的关联词,如第一段几个句子之间可以用一些“besides”、“on the other hand”、“furthermore”、“in addition”等。
(3)语言错误较多,很多句子不通顺,如“In today, many women have a work.”应改为“Today, many women get a job.”(滥用介词);“In ancient, women’s position in family is pity”中pity应改为pitiful(词形误用);“They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do.”中every 改为everything,how改为what(代词错误);“They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.”应改为“They have the right to express ideas, discuss things with their respective husband, and do what they want to.”(人称代词前后不一致)。

例3.(8分段)
Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Many Women today are playing an important part at works that was thought only could be done by the men before. For an example. Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company.
With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In the world today, more and more women have their own job. They get their own salary, and become more independent from their husband. With the economic situation improved, their family position is improving.
In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Many husbands only want his wife to stay at home, and do house works or do some shopping. They only want their wife to be a housewife, but not a manager of a company.
点评:基本切题。有些地方表达思想不够清楚,文字勉强连贯;语言错误相当多,其中有一些是严重错误。 
具体问题剖析:(1)论证不够深入,缺少事例,缺少说服力。
(2)文字缺连贯、且显累赘,如第二段可以把各句再改得简练一点并且有适当的转承词。(3)语言错误相当多,如“For an example”,“Some women are not secretary in the office, instead, they

 
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